The Art of Retracing

One of the most beautiful and difficult aspects of a deep healing journey that focuses on detox and nutritional balancing is the phenomena called retracing. This is when we begin to experience strong emotions and physical sensations that make us wonder “Am I healing? Or am I getting sick? Am I getting worse or amidst a breakthrough?” Very often when the symptoms start, it is impossible to know whether or not you are getting worse or retracing. Only in hindsight can we see what has happened. For this reason, retracing can be very scary and worrisome. How one handles these situations will determine their overall success with a lifestyle healing program.

Deep healing is not linear. The body will heal what it can when it can. It wants you to succeed and has an innate intelligent order of operations. The unpredictability and timing can be frustrating, but one must submit to the process and adapt accordingly. Every opportunity is an opportunity for growth. I want to share with you a recent story of retracing to show you what it can look like.

One month ago, I had my heaviest period this decade. After switching to a plant based diet, my periods are moderate to light with one day of heavy flow and total length of 2-3 days. I look forward to my period as a time of reflection, renewal, and cleansing. This period was different. I bled 3 times as much as I normally do. It hit me hard as I am also breastfeeding. The total amount of fluid loss left me feeling weak, anemic, and breathless regardless of what I ate or drank. I was not worried. I knew it would take time to rebuild my blood supply.

During my period, I had dreams and visions of my most traumatic experiences as a child. These particular experiences are ones I wanted to heal and move on for years, but never felt like I knew how to do so. I repressed many of the memories. I have separated myself from those who caused the abuse and trauma, but its not a topic I like to think about or discuss. It became part of my past that started to haunt me, and I didn’t like how it was affecting my present.

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Whenever I feel strong emotions and memories of my past that need to be seen and processed, I go to meditation, often meditation with the use of essential oils in an Epsom salt bath to help release the emotions and cleanse them away. This month I began using orange essential oil in my spiced cider recipe. For three days following ingesting orange essential oil for the first time, I flashed back to every emotional significant experience where I was extremely scared. I flashed back in chronological order starting as an infant, through adolescence, and into adulthood.

I noticed a theme. I was scared and powerless in every flashback. This is how I knew that the retracing was triggered by the orange essential oil and facilitated by intense cleansing in the form of my period. You see, orange is the color of our third chakra that is our power center. In order for me to fully step into my power, I need to face and release every significant moment where I was powerless. The memory will remain, but the stored emotion must be released.

I was so excited when I realized why I was feeling the emotion so intensely, because I knew my body was shifting into its power. However, the symptoms continued and got worse to the point where I became concerned. Am I getting worse due to stress and lack of sleep? I developed mastitis, and it lasted longer than I expected. My breast swelled, my arm hurt, and my lymph became backed up. I used my normal approaches for this situation, such as rest, Epsom salt baths, and cinnamon essential oil. This usually clears up a clogged duct within 24 hours for me. But this time was more complicated.

I store my energy for nurturing others in my left breast. Many of my powerless traumas involved an expectation of over nurturing others in an imbalanced or inappropriate manner. I could feel the heartache these experiences caused. In meditation, the mantra “My heart is in pain.” appeared over and over again. I felt like maybe the constant interrupted sleep of nursing a newborn multiple times a night had taken its toll and that only sleep and patience could solve this discomfort.

Then last night, I had a break through. Before bed, my husband suggested that I was processing something deep that had been stored for a long time. He recommended that I not worry and embrace what that could be. Then I went into meditation and had another intense flashback. I relived my wisdom tooth surgery: the pre-surgery jitters, the comatose state, feeling close to death, the grief of losing a body part, the fear of not being with my mom, and the illness caused by the pharmaceutical drugs.

Retracing anesthesia is as scary as it gets for me. I learned just how harmful and traumatic the surgery was for my mind, body, and soul and that it’s haunted me for over a decade. I was reminded that I was close to death in a comatose state where my body was totally paralyzed, and I was victimized. I was reminded that those drugs leave residues. They can create temporary paralysis symptoms, moments of intense fear, and limit physical range of motions. It weakened my heart and has caused many episodes of dizziness.

I understand that pharmaceutical drugs and surgery have a time and a place, but that they should be used as an absolute last resort. I was reminded why I turn to whole foods, herbs, spices, and essential oil FIRST, and why I invest so much into prevention and healthy foundational habits. I was reminded of how powerful my body is and how my liver protected me from death. My heart kept pumping and has chosen to heal from lack of love, so that I may become unconditional love for my family. I woke up with a feeling of optimism and hope.

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My heart and boob still ache. I still feel the fear and panic releasing. But I know that I am transforming into a more powerful version of myself. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be able to run, jump, and sing. I’m grateful to be able to breastfeed a beautiful little girl. I’m grateful for an amazing supportive husband who does not judge me for my past or emotions and instead holds space for me to heal and grow. I’m thankful for essential oils taking my health to the next level by helping me release such powerful, stored emotions. I’m grateful for the pink roses my daughter picked out. I’m grateful for the wild blueberry pie I had for breakfast. What an amazing opportunity for growth on Thanksgiving Day!

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PS. Did you know that wild blueberries are one of the best foods to help overcome life and death situations? Wild blueberry bushes can be burned to the ground and will come back stronger than ever.

Healing Crisis During Ovulation

This is a story of my experience with a recent healing crisis. I’m sifting through the progression of events to further understand my body, my cycle, and its healing mechanisms. My hope is that by sharing this story others may develop a deeper understanding of their own healing mechanisms.

A healthy body is responsive and adaptive. A healthy body will experience discomfort and a range of sensations, energy levels, and nutrition needs. This has been a very important revelation for me. As an athlete and a singer growing up in a man’s world, I was taught I had to be linear and ‘consistent’ to be successful. I interpreted this as sticking to a strict training regime and never falling ill to prevent sub optimal performance. I pushed myself until my body could no longer be pushed. I’ve spent a lot of time resting and healing over the past couple of years. The problem with the linear approach is that women are not linear; by nature women are cyclical, or even spiral. Becoming a mother has taught me very important lessons, one of which is understanding my moon cycle.

Pre-pregnancy, I intuitively knew that I was infertile. Many women who have Lyme disease struggle with fertility issues. In fact when I first hear my Lyme diagnosis, I cried for hours mourning the children I never had. In that moment, I knew I wanted to be a mother, but had to face the very real possibility that my body was not healthy enough to grow and sustain another life. I had signs of endometriosis. I had severe nutrition deficiencies. I had low estrogen. And I had issues with the left side of my pelvic region. I was too scared to be told I was infertile, so I never got tested. My hope was that if I figured out my other health issues, then my fertility issues would also resolve on their own.

Six months after beginning liver flushes, I became pregnant with my rainbow child. My menstrual cycle returned four months postpartum. This has been an interesting journey breastfeeding and menstruating simultaneously. Both require a great amount of energy, nutrition, and rest. At these times, women need to go inward, listen, and respect the ever changing needs of her body.

In January, I had a very difficult mid cycle experience. I suspect that I was dealing with an ovarian cyst that had burst. After a week or so the symptoms resolved. I used yoga to rehabilitate my pelvic and core regions, and soon felt as good as new.

In February, I had no mid cycle discomfort. I had mild emotional PMS, the shortest cycle of my life (22 days), and the heaviest menstruation, which ironically fell on Athena’s birthday party. At the one year mark postpartum, the heavy bleeding reminded me of the intense bleeding following childbirth. I embraced this by wearing a red dress for the birthday party to celebrate my fertility. The sensations I felt indicated that I ovulated from my right ovary in February.

In March, I was feeling amazing from day three to nine of my cycle. I went on a few runs. Felt strong with my energy flowing well. I didn’t have any excess tension. My mind was sharp. My mood was optimistic. I was happy to be alive in this body. There was a moment when I reminisced on how much pain I used to be in and how I no longer felt that pain. Then on day ten of my cycle, I began feeling abdominal and muscle cramping. Tension creeped into all of my muscles. My lymph nodes became swollen and sore. My spleen felt tender and overwhelmed. My stomach became nauseous. My digestive fire diminished. I felt extremely fatigued to the point of adrenal exhaustion. I felt a need to rest in bed as much as possible. If I was laying still, then I felt okay. The more I moved physically, the worse I felt. Movement triggered hot flashes and muscles to freeze up mid motion.

If you look at a hormone chart for menstruation, you will see that the body increases its production of estrogen, LH, and FSH in the few days leading up to ovulation. Since my body is constantly production prolactin for breastmilk, I figured my adrenals were struggling to keep up with total hormone production. Prolactin keeps estrogen levels low, so that partially explains the hot flashes. I took note to rest more and eat foods high in fat and vitamin c to assist hormone production.

On day twelve of my menstrual cycle, I hit total adrenal exhaustion. I could not handle stress or physical activity. I was too tired to pick up my baby girl. I could feel EBV taking over my whole body. A few years ago, I was unable to function for a few months as I struggled with mono. I know this sensation well. I felt tenderness and inflammation in my lower legs, all of my lymph nodes, shoulders, neck, spleen, stomach, and brain along with total exhaustion. My illness lead to vomiting up leftovers from the night before. I had not felt that experience since the year I developed food sensitivities when I was still eating conventional animal products, gluten, and processed food. Since my diet changes, I rarely vomit, not even during pregnancy.

When the muscle tension and inflammation started, I did yoga to keep my energy flowing, but found myself intolerant to light exercise. When the abdominal cramping became intense, I drank a dose of Epsom salt just in case I was experiencing gallbladder issues. Next, I did a coffee enema to help reduce inflammation. After the enema, I passed foam cholesterol crystals from my bile ducts. This helped reduce symptoms temporarily, but was not a solution to my problem. Next, I took an Epsom salt bath to support my lymph system. This helped temporarily, but the muscle tension creeped right back in. I stretched several times a day and rolled my back out with a tennis ball as a deep, painful massage. My husband also gave me a deep massage, but the tension came back immediately. As my usual troubleshooting methods were not successfully reliving discomfort, I realized that I was amidst an intense healing crisis. I was not muscle testing well to nutrient dense foods or responding well to detox protocols. My body had all of the energy and nutrition it needed to heal whatever it needed heal. All I needed was rest, hydration with coconut water, and time to heal.

On day twelve of my cycle, I woke up with the entire left side of my body sore. It felt as though I had over exercised and injured the left side of my pelvis. All of the discomfort was stemming from my left ovary and my endocrine system. I suspect that the discomfort is a result of my body attempting to heal my left ovary and restore fertility completely. My bones, ligaments, tendons, and joints ached terribly especially in my pelvis, shoulders, and ankles. I felt pain and weakness in a particular part of my pelvis that I had felt trauma during childbirth.

On day thirteen of my cycle, I woke up with residual tension, but the adrenal exhaustion was gone. Even though I felt crappy, I was able to accomplish running errands, going for a long walk, watching an active toddler, cooking homemade meals, and washing and folding five loads of laundry. I could tell the worst of the healing crisis was over. It is likely that I had successfully ovulated on this day and my hormones levels were dropping. I ended the productive day with an Epsom salt bath to help drain the toxins from my lymph system. I stretched and fell asleep.

On day fourteen of my cycle, I woke up feeling good. There is a little residual tension in my shoulders, but my stiff neck and cramping is gone. My energy is back, and I’m feeling better than ever. My left hip feels weak, but with a few days of yoga the strength will return.

What is amazing to me is that pre-liver flush, EBV could take over my life for weeks at a time. Now, it takes over for two days and then disappears. This healing crisis obviously correlates to the hormones produced during ovulation. Perhaps ovulation is a time for deep healing and menstruation is a time for deep cleansing.

As I reflect on my experience, I can see that this was not only a healing crisis, but also a time of retracing. According to Dr. Lawrence Wilson, “Retracing is a specific type of deep healing that fully restores the anatomy and physiology of a part of the body.” I encourage everyone who is embarking on a health journey to read his article on retracing: http://www.drlwilson.com/articles/retracing.htm. Understanding the principles of healing crisis and retracing will ignite a deeper understanding of your own healing mechanisms and reduce fear of illness in times of discomfort.

How did I know that I was retracing and going through a healing crisis?

  • The tissues that became inflamed had been stressed and traumatized during pregnancy and childbirth. The tendons, ligaments, bones, and spine are some of the last tissues to heal completely. The spine fully heals around one year postpartum.
  • My energy levels were very high right before the healing crisis, which is an indication of a vitality high enough to tackle deep healing. My recent diet and lifestyle included high amounts of vitamin c and vitamin d, which are necessary to repair the inflamed tissues.
  • I was reliving old trauma sensations. I had flashbacks of when I had previously felt that type of pain and discomfort. When I acknowledged the sensations as a healing crisis, then the symptoms began to diminish.
  • None of my detox methods stopped the discomfort. The body will not begin retracing unless it can completely heal the deep trauma. This means you have to ride the wave of discomfort and not interfere or suppress symptoms.
  • Food with dense nutrients muscle tested as weakening to the chi of my body. When you experience a healing reaction, excess nutrition will send the body into a more intense state of healing, which decreases vitality.
  • My symptoms were short-lived. A healing crisis will last from a couple of hours to a couple of day. If symptoms persist longer, then you are experiencing illness and not a healing crisis.
  • My vitality has returned to a greater capacity after the healing crisis.

I’m curious to see what happens mid cycle in May. When there is a deep trauma, the body may need to retrace through several flare-ups before the body can be whole. For now I’m grateful to have a support system that allows me to rest during healing crises and the bravery to tackle a roller coaster of sensation head on without symptom suppression.

“Every woman who heals herself helps heal all the women who came before her, and all those who come after” – Christiane Northrup.